Iowa's Pride, Vol. 1, No. 6, May 1997
Rowan's family says equality is the key to their success. This ten month old child has four parents: Dawn, Lon, Troy and Tina. They are all out and identify to various degrees as bisexual. They equally co-parent, and are equal partners.
The four adults met through Wicca, an earth-based religion and have been together for about three years. While they will do things in pairs, they think in terms of the whole group rather than just couples.
As a polyamorous family, there is a great deal of coordination that must take place in order for things to run smoothly. Household duties such as dishes, cleaning chores and baby care are scheduled. There is one vehicle, a mini-van, and it is necessary to plan who will be picking up whom and going to child care. The family convenes at least once a week to discuss these and other issues.
All bills are in Dawn's name, but there is one joint bank account. Sleep schedules are rotated according to personal time schedules and who sleeps with whom is determined by individual choices; no jealousy exists.
Most importantly, on certain nights of the week all of them come home for quality time. This involves watching Babylon V or X Files on television (all arc scifi buffs), reading to each other, playing board games, or j just talking about what's going on in their lives.
A couple times a week friends come over to visit. Rowan has several adult friends; more than half of whom are LesBiGayTrans people. The family chooses to surround themselves only with supportive people.
Nonetheless, the family does experience occasional biphobia and more often discrimination against being polyamorous. This is evident in their interactions with some of their family rnembcrs, the legal system and even the LesBiGayTrans community.
Dawn's mother is bisexual and a feminist; Lon's mother is a lesbian, but neither she nor his father understand their son's polyamorous relationship. Troy's parents are glad to have a grandson, but arc not sure about the relationship. Tina's mom accepts her grandson, but won't talk about the relationship.
Often the problem some people have with their family is not difficulty accepting Rowan, but a difficulty accepting their polyamorous situation.
Other people view Rowan as legitimizing their familial relationship. Dawn believes this is because now people have a common ground; families are often thought of as having children. She contends they already were a family before having Rowan.
The main challenge the family faces now is getting Rowan's biological father on his birth certificate. The situation is such that Dawn and Troy arc legally married as arc Lon and Tina. However, Troy and Tina arc Rowan's biological parents. Iowa law states a woman's husband is presumed her child's father regardless of' biological status.
Other potential legal problems could he wills, power of, attorney and recognizing guardianship of Rowan.
Unfortunately, there is no support group in either the straight or LesBiGayTrans community that truly can relate to the family's issues and concerns.
According to Dawn, "There's a bias towards the monogamous nuclear family even within our [LesBiGayTrans] community."
Her best parenting information comes from a bisexual, pagan friend in Ireland who has two children. She also gets advice from other friends with children whose parenting skills she admires, books and the Internet.
Happily, there arc certain advantages to being a polyamorous, bisexual family. There is no reliance on -ender roles. Each adult has given real thought to what they do and have not fallen into patterns from their own parents.
Rowan's parents will be open about sexuality and never infringe a closet on any part of his life. It will never be assumed who he will date or love.
The guarantee is that he has four parents to take care of and love him, and instill a sense of pride in himself. Indeed, this is what a family does.