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Joe Friecirich/The Daily
Iowan Ten-month old Rowan Fiscus-McKee sits snugly between his mothers, Dawn Atkins (left) and Tina Fiscus. Troy McKee (left) and Lon Sarver crouch behind their respective legal wives. As a polyamorous family, Atkins, Fiscus, McKee and Sarver, all share responsibilities as parents. |
By Jeff Clayton
The Daily Iowan
Dawn Atkins considers herself warned to Troy McKee, Lon Sarver and Tina Fiscus. The four are a polyamourous (poly) family raising their 11-month-old son, Rowan.
Legally, they are two separate couples - Atkins and McKee, Sarver and Fiscus. However, each is bisexual and non-monogomous and considers themself married to the other three. '
"It's a lifestyle where .it's acknowledged and accepted to have more than one long-term relationship," Sarver said.
However, Sarver said an individual in a polyamourous relationship doesn't have to be bisexual or even have more than one sexual partner. The relationship can just be a longterm emotional commitment.
"It's founded on honesty and open communication," Sarver said. "It can't be cheating if everyone knows 'and agrees."
Despite their non-traditional lifestyle, they successfully function as a family unit. They cook, clean and raise a child just the same as a nuclear family.
"Troy and I usually do (chores) if it has to do with lifting or carrying things," Sarver said. "Troy and I get stuck with it."
Their refrigerator has a list of ;what chores need to be done. Sarver and McKee tend to do the cooking, but all share in cleaning the kitchen. Fiscus and Atkins usually take care of the garden, while Atkins typically dusts and vacuums.
One of the most beneficial aspects of being a poly family is in raising Rowan.
"If I'm not up to this, there are three other people," Atkins said.
The child also benefits because he has almost constant interaction with a primary care-giver, she said.
Atkins said the situation alleviates stress by giving everyone time to themselves, allowing them to live healthier and happier lives.
"People need to reach out and find a support system. It's not just for the kid, but for ourselves. If I am sick, there are no problems meeting (life's) demands," Atkins said.
The importance of a support system is apparent to Atkins because she said she knows firsthand what `it is like to be raised by a parent pushed beyond leer capacity. Atkins' father died when she was young, leaving her mother a single parent.
Atkins grew up in Oklahoma, but :got a job and later attended school ,in California where she met McKee. The two became involved in a polyamourous relationship and married in 1988.
Eventually, the two came to Iowa City to continue their studies. Both became active in local science fiction and pagan groups where Atkins met Sarver and the two began a relationship.
Sarver and Fiscus already had been involved in a poly relationship for five years, which Atkins said helped when the four eventually became a family,
"We were all used to it," Atkins said.
Atkins arranged a spaghetti dinner at McKee's and her apartment for everyone to get acquainted.
"There was instant chemistry," Atkins said. "It worked all the way around."
Sarver and Fiscus began staying there almost every night and economically it made sense for the four to live together, Atkins said.
Family friend Cathy Marston , a graduate student in journalism, said she supports the family.
"I think it's wonderful," Marston said. "The thing that really impresses me is that way the work is shared. The men really are splitting the chores in the household."
Marston is particularly impressed by the family's raising of Rowan.
"In our hectic world, it takes more than two people to care for a child," Marston said. "Before, generations of a family lived together. It was the community that raised the child."
Atkins said she realizes that a polyamourous family has different aspects than a traditional family.
"We run the family and the home by consensus," Atkins said. "We all have to agree, (but) that's not hard if you have the same goals."
Consensus means that each family member has equal say, and that important decisions are not made until all agree. This allows everyone's ideas to be heard, she said.
Their common beliefs and attitudes have helped them to 'stay together for more than three years - a situation many people, including a family therapist, thought would never last.
Atkins said after Tina learned she was unexpectedly pregnant with Rowan, the family went to a counselor seeking advice. She told them to break up.
"We knew it would be easier to break up than try, but we wanted to try;" Atkins said.
However, a second counselor was more understanding and helped them overcome communication problems.
"Communication is essential," Sarver said. "Trying to organize four people is daunting at times."
Atkins said their family's similarities have helped them overcome problems.
"People with the same values and goals can achieve anything," Atkins said.
These common bonds include a faith in Wicca, an earth-based spiritual tradition drawing from Celtic history and people, a love of science fiction, reading books and playing games, Atkins said.
By 2000, Atkins said she hopes to have her Ph.D. in anthropology, which will require the family to relocate where she can get a teaching position.
Despite the fact that the family feels relatively accepted in Iowa City, Atkins said the move will not be a problem since they want Rowan to grow up in a more cosmopolitan environment.
"Iowa City is a. small town. We want a more diverse place where people are different," Atkins said. "Diversity is what humans are about. If he grows up here, he will have too narrow a view of what normal is - even with our family."
Atkins and Sarver said they realize their arrangement is not for everyone, but don't understand why people would have a problem since everyone is happy.
"If you feel it's wrong, then don't do it," Sarver said.
- Alexis Bierman contributed to this story