We set out joyously on our trip to the Sabbath gathering being led by two well known and respected witches. We were driving 200 miles for the event but considered ourselves lucky to be able to participate in what we knew would be a powerful community event. The cold crisp December air only heightened our awareness of the importance of Winter Solstice. We listened to pagan chants and talked excitedly.

When we arrived, the parking lot was almost full and the auditorium was full of happy, colorful people waiting for the ritual to begin. Hundreds of us sat in a circle in a large auditorium with high ceilings. I was happy but concerned, because I could distinctly smell sage.

The burning of herbs or incense is a sacred practice held common by many traditions. We take the name "smudging" or sometimes "smoking" from Native American traditions. According to Harvest McCampbell in Sacred Smoke - Smudging: An Ancient Art for Modern Times, "Commonly Sage, Sweet Grass and/or Cedar are burned to purify one' self, one' space and one's spiritual or healing tools. After lighting the smudge we offer it to the cardinal directions, or hold it near our hearts. We wash or fan the smoke over our bodies by first bringing it towards the heart, then inhaling, pulling it up over the head, washing it down the arms, etc.

"The main idea behind burning herbs is to release their energy and fragrance, not to fill your room or your lungs with smoke. Burning excessive amounts of smudge can lead to respiratory distress, and other respiratory problems. A curl or tow of smoke rising from your herbs is all that's necessary."

I think sage is a wonderful herb, with a beautiful sacred history, but I am very allergic to it. Even in small doses, some forms make me nauseous, and all of them make my eyes water and my nose run. In addition, I am asthmatic. So smoke in any condensed or large quantity can make it difficult or even impossible for me to breath.

So when I first smelled the sage in the large room, I assumed that some one had done a "cleansing" on the room prepatory to the ritual. Then I started to have trouble breathing. I looked around and saw that a smudge stick was being passed around the room, which was quickly filling with smoke. I took out my inhaler and tried to use the medicine to keep my lungs functioning. But it was useless, the smudge was not even half way around the room and yet the room was filling with thick smoke. I ran from the building. I stood hacking and wheezing in front of it. When my breathing stabilized, I went back in and told the organizers what the problem was. They were very apologetic and promptly put out the smudge. The problem was that by this time the smoke was so thick that it filled the room from the tall ceiling down to within a few feet of the floor. My nose was running, my lungs hurt and my eyes itched.

When the ritual began, I used some more of my inhaler and came back into the building. We had driven so far and were so looking forward to the ritual, that I didn't want to miss it. The ritual was indeed as powerful and wonderful as we had thought it would be. But for me it was a long and difficult evening. I struggled with my breathing and a growing headache. And I struggled with my anger and hurt.

As the ritual progressed, I realized I was feeling out of place in the ritual. Since sage is used to cleanse or purify space, I began to feel as though I had was being "banished" from the place. I was disappointed and unhappy that these teachers who I respected and whom I though knew about accessibility issues, hadn't taken into account my very common disability. At every point in the ritual when I was instructed to concentrate on my breathing -- it would send not only pain through my body but a surge of unhappy and uncomfortable feelings. Instead of grounding and centering me -- I was thrown off-center every time I breathed. The message became, that I, and my limitations, were not made welcome in this place.

I know that this was not the intent of the organizers, but their oversight left me out. It also left me with respiratory distress (painful breathing) for days. I was a long time recovering physically and I am still recovering emotionally.

One of the other things I found while researching the use of sage, is that not only is it strongly recommended that it not be used around those with respiratory problems such as asthma, allergies or colds but that it can also cause miscarriage in women whose bodies are not familiar with its use. It was recommended that it not be used around infants, pregnant women or women who are trying to get pregnant.

There are other ways to cleanse space. Salt water purification, grounding and banishing exercises, and singing work just as well for cleansing and setting the atmosphere...What I will hope to come from this experience and my telling of it, would be that our community carefully think about the importance of the accessibility for those of us with disabilities and other differences. Incense can be a powerful tool, but it may not be appropriate for public rituals where we don't know the limitations and responses of every individual. In our eagerness to use the tool, we may harm those we wish to include both physically and emotionally. We should look at the ritual tools and forms for ways to make them inclusive to everyone.