Dear friends and family,

I haven't written in a while -- this time, for all the right reasons. I have been so busy with Rowan that I haven't had a chance to write. We finally got permission for a 2 and half week visit with Rowan in California.

Rowan arrived for his visit on Sunday, Sept. 19. Lon had to fly back to Iowa to get him and then back here with him. He was pretty exhausted by the end of the day of flying (4 planes in one day). Rowan loved the trip and was very excited to be coming "to California."

When Lon and Rowan got off the plane, they could see us up the walk way waiting for them. Rowan wiggled out of Lon's arms and ran headlong up the walk way with his arms outstretching yelling at the top of his powerful little lungs, "Momma Dawn, Daddy Troy!" He leapt into are arms. It was an impressive display like a scene from some movie, and the airport patrons and staff were amused.

I think I was worried at some level that he would have forgotten us. That he would be a different person. He is a little older, more articulate and more coordinated. He is still my very affectionate, very smart and very strong willed child. He keeps telling everyone that he has two daddies and two mommies. He is so happy to be at "his home in California." He says he has two homes. He had no trouble adjusting to life here. He also immediately claimed "his room" and "his toys" and his parents. Of course, while the layout of the house is different, the furnishings are the ones he grew up with and we have always been his family.

Waking up the next morning (and since) is one of the few times in the last 14 months that I haven't woke up depressed. Instead, I woke to a little hand gently patting me and saying in a sweet voice, "Morning Momma Dawn. The sun is up." I looked up, "Good morning Rowan, does that mean we have to get up." "Yes, get up Momma Dawn" was the very firm answer. We had lots of playing to do, you see.

Pure joy. I don't know how else to describe it. It is like my heart is beating again. My eyes see again. My senses are alive again. When I am with Rowan, I am the person I want to be. I am patient, loving and happy. Troy and Lon too are blessed with his sunshine. Troy glows so much "you could get a tan" (as Lon put it).

I worked my schedule around so that most of my time is for Rowan. Lon still has work and Troy still has class and work. But we all spend as much time with him as possible. Like seeing the world anew...

Even the quiet days are now full of wonder. That is one of the things about the time without him that was so difficult. It always felt too quiet, like a deadness. Haunted by the absence. Now even when he sleeps his presence fills the place. All of my family sleeps in their beds while I write this. My beautiful child and my two wonderful partners. I feel inspired, alive, like I could do anything!

We have settled into somewhat of a pattern in the last week in a half. As always, we take turns getting up with him. I take about half, because of my schedule. When the son rises (smile), he plays with his toys and sips Momma Dawn's tea (decaf) with her. He eats his cereal with Sesame Street in the background while the rest of his family get moving. Then we go into our day. If we are going on an "adventure" we load up the van and go. If not, Rowan plays toys and games with his parents. We take walks to the nearby park or run errands. In the evenings, when we are all together, we spend "family time" together.

Our adventures have been fun too...

One day I took Rowan to Lon's work. Lon works at a Pagan store called Ancient Ways. Rowan delighted in the store, but in particular, the drums. He set of one, then two, eventually five drums of different sizes and proceeded to play a concert. He drummed up business too. People marveled at how well he played. We also go into our magic room (he calls the magic house since it is separate building) and drum with the three drums we own. We also "play with/read" Rowan's tarot cards and Momma Dawn's cards. We celebrated full moon there with friends and Rowan loved it.

We went to Fairyland with our friend Yvonne. It is a children's amusement park in Oakland next to Lake Merrit. To my delight and chagrine, Rowan was the loudest and more energetic child in the park. He loved it and so did I.

Last weekend we went to a Mabon (Harvest/Fall Equinox) Celebration and Picnic sponsored by Reclaiming in Golden Gate Park. There was quite a feast. We all enjoyed it. Rowan managed to get each of us separately to give him a brownie. That means three brownies in one three year old! The energy burst was quite amazing. That evening we went to a pool party in a heated pool. We all had a wonderful time and Rowan was very good with people and with the water.

On Sunday we went to Ione (near Sacramento) to visit Troy's family. They adored Rowan of course. He particularly enjoyed the player piano. And the cats, dogs and birds! Troy's parents were actually pleasant to be with this time.

On Monday, Lon and Troy had work. So Rowan and I went to Santa Cruz. We had lunch downtown and ran into some friends of mine. Then we spent the afternoon with my sister Angela and he daughters, Yvonne and Olivia. Rowan liked his cousins. We all went to the beach and warf. Rowan was a little afraid by like to watch the waves. He loved playing in the sand. He was very impressed with the birds and sea lions. And all the children (including me) enjoyed the cotton candy. That evening Rowan and I hung out with our friends Craig and Susan. Craig explained about where the sun goes at night and about how it is sunny on the other side of the world. Rowan still talks about this and is very excited to learn "why" things work the way they do. He asks why constantly. We have discovered that most of the time he really does want to understand why and enjoys real answers.

In addition the adventures, Rowan and I have also had other activities. We are taking a few classes with Kindermusik (a preschool music program). He loves music. We also go for walks and talk a lot. He loves to cuddle and read books together. He enjoys the garden with me. He plays computer games (kids educational games) with his dads and has them read books too.

Today we are going to Santa Cruz. We want to introduce Rowan to our magic woods there. Tomorrow my mother arrives from Florida. Saturday we are having a party. Sunday we are going to Renaissance Faire. We have to take Rowan back to Iowa on Thurs. Oct. 7. We don't know when we will see him again. We are hoping it will be the holidays.

When I was in my twenties, I use to ask my mother why she had me if she never wanted kids. She finally explained a few years ago. She said she knew the moment she got pregnant and she also knew that this person was very important to her -- a kind of soul mate. I have always had a very close bond with my mother. I now understand what she felt. That sure knowledge that this person is someone you love without reservations and will always love. That this person is a part of you in a way that is beyond words. I was first certain of it when in the delivery room, I held him for the first time. He looked into my eyes and smiled. I felt a kind of electric shock, an energy so pure and so strong. I was his. That is what we still have. He tells me over and over. I am Rowan's Momma Dawn.

I am many things to many people. Some good and some bad. I remain a person in my own right with my blessings and curses. But to Rowan, I am a constant and it is all good. Would that I could find a way to keep that center all of the time.

With a heart overflowing with love, I send my joy to you.
Dawn