All my life people have told me what a strong will and sense of direction I have. Well, I finally came to a point in my life where there was no overpowering direction to guide me. There was absolutely nothing for me to point to and say that is my only way. The long absence in hearing from me this time has not as much with too much to do as with nothing to do. I did not want to write in my confusion. I felt aimless. I am now finding a new path. In the meantime, here is an account of my winter of confusion.

At the close of our last episode, our wandering protagonist was in a quandary over whether to and how to move to New York City and seek her fortune among the city folk there. She was unsure of who she would work for, how she would move, and where or holes she would live there - but most of all, she was unsure as to whether she wanted to. What lies in store for our Okie in the Big City? What will she do? Don't ask - Read !

having rested up from my exhausting journey to the Big Apple, I began to sort out my next move. Finances were tapped, so the decision of whether to move or not to move would have to wait until the bills were paid. I signed up with half a dozen temporary clerical agencies. I filed for unemployment but the hassle proved more than I could stomach. I wanted to be working. I gained several more sewing customers, including several ladies who live in the high rises around the lake where I live.

My first temp job was as secretary/bookkeeper with a construction firm. I was hired on Friday, and the boss left for a weeks vacation that evening. I had to run the office for him while gone.

I thought more about New York. It was big, exciting and beautiful. It was big, crowded and dirty. Publishing fascinates me. Publishing pays dirt. I know a lot of people in Now York. I have few friends in New York. The more I thought, the more confused I became. I did not want to have to go through another year of settling in and making friend in a place even less friendly than the Bay Area. I was homesick. I was not sure I wanted to go to flew York, I wan' t sure I wanted to live in the Bay Area, and as much as I love my home, there is no career there.

I made plans to attend the North American Science Fiction Convention in Austin, Texas on Labor Day weekend. I felt that when I saw all the people I would be working, with in New York and talked to them, there would be time to decide.

NASFIC helped me decide alright. I arrived on Thursday, August 29th. I shared a room with friends, Terry Floyd, Pam Davis (who were the hotel Liaisons) and Dawn Plaskon. (By the way, Pam announced that she is pregnant and that "she and Terry" will be expecting a baby in the spring.) When I arrived I was very nervous -- A) it was my first convention back in my part of the country since moving from Oklahoma and taking the job at LOCUS and B) it was the first convention since leaving LOCUS. I didn't know what to say or how to act. I saw many old friends, both professional and from home. Some of those people include: Mathew Bailey, Jim Frost, Jonna Goad, Ricia Mainhardt Richard Pini, Brian Thompson, & John Varley. People seemed to be treating me fine, so I relaxed. met some new people and had a good time. The convention was big but not outrageous. It was a fairly spread out and involved a lot of walking in 90+ heat, so it hard to tell just how many. The TOR Party was particularly great - they rented the penthouse on the roof of a hotel and had an outdoor/indoor party. Baen hosted a dance - the music was terrible. Even so, Steve Barnes and yours truly managed to be one of two couples who won the dance contest. (Now what do I do with $100 of Baen books?) We finally became bored with the bad music and went to the parties. We did, however, discover that the hotel bar was as playing area music and was practically empty. About 20 of us moved in and danced until the place closed. Then some of us went swimming. Everything was going really nice until Monday. A friend of mine was having really bad boyfriend troubles and I put her up in my room.) Her boyfriend blamed me for their troubles and went around saying that I broke them up. (I didn't become involved until she had already broke up with him.) Then a man I had nicely put off a pass from went to his wife (a very influential woman) and told her that not only was I sleeping with him but I was talking bad about her behind her back. Neither was true, but of course, I was not asked. I got fed up with the nastiness so any girlfriend and I spent Monday night watching TV.

Since some of the people involved in these "little games" are from the New York crowd, I decided New York was not where I wanted to be right now. My attitude is that I didn't enjoy these back-stabbing games when I was a teenager and I certainly don't need them now. It is more than that of course, but that was the final straw. The idea of moving to a strange, gigantic city where I have few friends at the onset of winter did not appeal to me either. In addition, the money offered was barely livable for California let alone New York City and I was tired of being hungry. I had had a gut fooling that it just wasn't right when I came back from New York. Now I knew some of the reasons why. I didn't know where the next move would be, so I decided to stay put for the time being.

Now back to the story . . . I was in Texas. Since I had to change planes in Dallas on my trip back, I decided to arrange a week layover instead of an hour. On Tuesday I arrived in Dallas, rented a car and drove to visit Michael Easton (previously known as Bill Bookout). We spent tile day talking. I really miss him very much.

That evening I went to my sister Sandy and her husband, Joseph's place. (They are not actually married yet, they haven't had the money for a wedding. But they are common law married. She even uses his last name, Talkington.) They had a really nice big rented house (with roommates) in Dallas with a big backyard for all their dogs. It was so wonderful to see Sandy again. I had not seen her since I moved to California - over a year and a half! She had been unable to make it home at Christmas. She is so grown up now - very beautiful and capable. I was impressed.

I had planned on driving up to tom's in Oklahoma on Thursday. Joe suggested that Sam (my sister) come with me. She had a cold, so she called in sick and off we went. Mom was thrilled. She had us both home!

That night I went to Cathy Ball's house for a Welcome Home party. It was really nice to see old friends again and I appreciated it. I found myself a little nervous though, I have changed so much and so has my old group. I didn't know half the people there. Chris was there. (Ben Christopher Fenwick was the young man I was very much in-love with when I moved to California.) It was really wonderful seeing him again.)

Then my cousin Terry (a Captain in the Airforce stationed in Texas) called and found out I was in Oklahoma. When he found out I was at my Mom's he drove up to visit. He is so wonderful! Then my old friend Patrick Williams came to visit from Stillwater. It was a really full house! Full of love.

Sandy had to be to work that Monday so we drove back at 2 AM. I thought a lot about how I would miss my home and family. I felt sorry for myself having to go so Ear away from those I loved . I stopped the car and sat looking at the brilliant star-filled sky of my home. (Unlike the muddy skies of the big city.) Then I realized that I was really blessed. Blessed to have so many wonderful people who care about me and who mean so much to me.

Now back in Texas I stayed with Michael again. We went out dancing together. Well, since he is gay - we went to a gay night club. We sure made an interesting pair. I really enjoyed it.

Finally it came time to leave. I returned my rented car and f ] dew back to Oakland .

at the Sierra Club's national office in San Francisco. I joined the organization I went to a couple SCA events, the Principality of the Mists List in Napa and Crown Tourney near San Louis Obispo. I met Paul & Ray Tawzer. Ray has since become one of my best friends. And I was still seeing Michael Ellis.

I had several temporary jobs, the 1 longest and most enjoyable of which was

At Halloween I had a party with many of my friends.

Things were active but I had no real direction, no permanent job - I was in a sort of holding pattern with no where to go.

We all know that things can't remain the same. I started to lose ground . I quit playing with my D&D group because of internal conflicts. My temporary assignment ended and subsequent ones came further and further apart. I started having trouble with my landlady. First she wouldn't f ix the door lock when it broke and then she wanted to raise the rent. I had to go to the Rent Arbitration board. And then there's the rain. When they tell you it doesn't snow here, they usually leave out that it rains continually all winter long. Cold, damp, gray and dreary. J.

Just before Thanksgiving I got an indefinite assignment with Pacific Telesis (the company that owns Pacific Bell, the phone company here) .

I spent Thanksgiving with Michael Ellis and his family in Sacramento. I missed my family but enjoyed the weekend. In December I became very ill. Since I had a temporary job and no sick benefits, I had to go to work even when I was weak and throwing-up. My medical bills were steep. I did get better before Christmas. My mom wanted to move home. Hey, by that time I wanted to move home! I was tired, sick and lonely. Only even if I had the money to move, what would I do in Oklahoma? It seemed best to stay where I was until I knew where I wanted to be. Going home as a failure did not appeal to me.

Since I had no money, it would have been a really dismal Christmas except for the Bonus Flight ticket I had gotten early in the year when I got bumped off a United Flight. I used it to go home for the holiday.

It was a quiet holiday spent reading and talking with Mom, visiting friends and family. But the most startling thing happened. Most people who have known me very long are aware that of my three sisters, one of them and I don't get along. Beth I fought horribly years ago and have never been able to sit in the same room without conflict. Not only was she nice to me at Christmas, but she gave me a Christmas present. Beth has never given me anything. She gave me a red & white sweatshirt that says "Somebody in Oklahoma Loves Me". Beth has not said she loved me since we were kids. I was amazed and overwhelmed.

Mom, Angela and I drove to Dallas to spend Christmas with Sandy and Joseph. Beth couldn't join us for Christmas day, her and her boyfriend, Eddie, were to spend Xmas with his relatives. It was a really nice family time. While there, my friend Michael Easton and I wont dancing again.

Back in Oklahoma, I went to visit friends John Sanders, Jean Persons, Mike Beckley, and Neil Carey. We enjoyed a wonderful evening dancing and reminiscing together.

Patrick Williams came to visit too. He told me of is fiancée and that he would be getting married in the spring when he graduated from Oklahoma State Univ. with a B.A. in Psychology.

I returned to California before New Years. Bob Grove met me at the airport.

New Years was cheerful. Michael Ellis and I went to a New Years I be party and enjoyed the comforts of a hot tub at midnight. What a way to bring in the New Year!

Things started looking up. My temporary position at Pacific Telesis was offered to me at a full time, permanent position. (I accepted.) I had no idea where I wanted to go but at l east for now I would be able to pay the bills.

Now with a full time job, I began to get my act together. I started "spring cleaning" even though it was still rainy and cold. I started my own D&D game running one Sunday every month. Many of my friend from the old game and others joined. I filed my 1984 & 1985 tax returns for a sizable return. I was getting along very well with my co-workers Jim, Diane and Brenda and bosses at my new job. Things were definitely looking up. But still not going anywhere in particular.

July 18th - the space shuttle Challenger explodes killing its crew and sending the world into shock. I was listening to the radio at work when were heard it and everyone started crying. I called home and found out my Mom had gone to the hospital where they keep my Dad.

Nearly eleven years ago my Dad was in a motorcycle accident. He has been a semi-vegetable in a hospital ever since. He was dying. I cried and prayed that he would finally be allowed to die .

The doctor in charge agreed with us and father was finally to be allowed to go.

At 4am on July 30th I received the call from Mom. Daddy was dead. He was finally dead. I began scrambling. I had already warned my boss, arranged for my neighbor to look after my cats and had everything planned. Ten hours later I was home arranging a memorial.

It was one of the most wonderful experiences of my l if e. We received gifts of food, flowers and money. We bought black dresses and shoes. We talked and cried .

His body was held for viewing on that Friday. No one went. We all felt that his body was not him and had not been for years. He was cremated. Angela and I went to pick up his "box" Saturday morning. Since he was a veteran they gave us a folded US flag. It was very odd. Most people would have been crying, was dying. I cried and prayed that took no unnecessary measures. I My but all we could do was laugh. There was a tremendous feeling of joy and sadness mixed.

We arranged pictures of him as we loved him with the box at the alter for the services. One as a young man in the 'Marine Corps., one as foreman of this work, and the final family portrait taken the month before his fatal accident. I gave the eulogy. I felt there was no one left who knew him and certainly no one who had been through it all except his family. Even though there was no printed announcements of the services, word of mouth brought many old friends to say goodbye. The following is my eulogy and my goodbye.

These are words we knew him by. They barely begin to convey what he meant to us. The depth and warmth of those words can only be truly realized in our own hearts. Today, after manly years, we gather to remember and honor him.

Johnny was neither saint nor statesman, and would not want to be idolized. He was a Good man.

He was born June 11, 1933 in Kingston, New York to William and Helen Atkins. He had an older sister and brother, - Gwendolyn and Bill. He loved them all very dearly.

He served his country proudly as a United States Marine. He fought in some of the worst of Viet Nam and returned home.

He fell in-love with Mary and married her AND her three children – Elizabeth, Cassandra and myself. We moved to Moore in February of 1969. Two years later "we'' (as Daddy like to say) had baby Angela. He was a loving, husband and devoted father.

He served the Lord as a member and elder of this church, doing everything, from ushering and singing in the choir, to mowing the lawn. He was a Christian in heart and deed.

Although he could be a little reserved, he loved people. He was a true friend, there through the good tines and the had times.

He had a full life and was very dear to many.

On Saturday, May 31, 1975 that was all taken from us.

No one will ever know what really happened that day. He was aiding his motorcycle when, it 'A believed, that someone ran him off the road and left I him for dead. The police received an anonymous phone call and found his body along-side the road. He was alive but beyond the broken bones and punctured 1 lungs His brain was damaged. Surgery was performed for a blood-clot on the brain but he was in a coma.

They told us there was no hope of recovery and we asked then. to let him go. Mamma and Rev. Dwight tried, but they wouldn't turn off the life-support machines. Twenty days later he came out of the coma -- but the man we loved was already gone. His brain was beyond repair and would only get worse. He had to be institutionalized.

He had to live without him. I was thirteen, Cassandra - eleven, Elizabeth - nine, and Angela only four.

Ten years have come and gone. I use to wonder what ten years would be like, when I couldn't even imagine what one year would be like. But the years have rolled by and I am now a woman. The child who said goodbye is no more, and yet she is here in my heart. She has never guise let go. She has been m missing and wanting and waiting.

It was a beautiful summer's day
when I watched you drive away.
But now winter's chill grips this day
- tears the only memory of May.

Ten years of summers, old & new
have changed the world as we grew.
Your children now have grown and
gone is the world you had known.

I have loved you through the years
and even now shed new tears.
Let the end and peace be yours
that you may walk on other shores.

The child is the woman and the woman is the child. They weep for what was, and what wasn't. They cry for what they missed and for what you missed. They grieve for the life so wasted and drained. They cry for an end to the suffering and pain.

I wrote that poem Tuesday, when I heard that he was finally dying. Late Wednesday night, January 29th, he died in his sleep. Daddy has finally been released .

We do not mourn here today for his Death. We lost him nearly eleven years ago. He have long cried for our loss and his pain.

John believed in Jesus and the life everlasting. He cry now, tears of JOY, that he is finally free from his purgatory.

We cry as we remember. Over the years we have all kept treasured memories of him: a picnic - a crisis, a hug - a smile, small moments and momentous experiences.

On Easter, the month before the accident, I stood here, in this room in a white dress with little blue flowers and took my first communion while my Daddy looked proudly on. After the service, we stood together over there in this room and had our last family portrait taken.

Yesterday, as Mamma and I shared memories, she reminded me of all those camp-outs he use to drag us on. Once, in the Arbucles, we climbed to the top of one of those small mountains. Up the trail we hiked - Mamma huffing and puffing with little Angela in tow. Myself at her side, babbling as usual. Sandy and Beth scampering back and forth across the trail. Daddy up tile trail aways, I opt calling back, "I little farther, Mary, we're almost there! " All the way up he kept saying that.

When we reached the top, Mamma was upset to find there was a road . He could have driven up. But Daddy just said that the long, way was more fun.

Mamma says, "He never could do things the easy way and once again he has gone on ahead of us. "

Today we say goodbye. We loved him and we miss him and we always will. But we are happy that he has at last made it, even if he did take the long way.

This is a celebration. A celebration of his life and the life everlasting.

Our rather loved to sing and we would like to share with you one of his favorite hymns. Mamma use to tease him, saying he like it because it was perfect for his tenure voice. Listen with us and maybe you will here him in it as we do.