I know I said that I would get better at this. It seems like forever since you have heard from me. Well, dear friend, when you hear what has transpired since last I wrote this, you will perhaps, understand. Life is as perplexing and strange as ever for me. Even this does not tell all, as it is really only a "Reader's Digest" narrative of events. I would like very much to keep up with my friends and family but -- life gets in the way.

When last we left our protagonist, she was talking about making it big in the city. Which brings us to the question of which city? Is the bay area big enough for our ambitious okie? What is she up to now? Read on.

May has always been my favorite month of the year. It is a time when spring is at its fullest and the heat of summer has yet to begin. Yet, it seems that May is always a time of stress for me. This year was no exception. At the beginning of the month, Charlie (my boss at LOCUS, Charles Brown) was in New York for his bi-annual visit and the Nebula Banquet. I was enjoying this time by writing the previous edition of this and sewing.

On the 3rd, I went to a "screening party" in San Francisco with Terry Floyd. He and many of his friends are film makers. They had gathered for an evening of films that each had brought. These films ranged from the unusual to bizarre. I think I understood the points each film was trying to make, but I didn't understand why. I guess I would rather be entertained than enlightened. I did enjoy myself and made a new friend as well -- Vince Emery. Vince has been really nice and even helps by watching my apartment and cats while I am out of town.

That Saturday, I volunteered to babysit for Dan & Judy Chow. I really love children and miss being around them. They have a little girl, age three, and an infant boy. The kids cried a lot but I finally had them settled down and was preparing their dinner. The boy fell from his baby-seat face first to the tile floor. There was a lot of blood and I was terrified. I called the paramedics who arrived in minutes. Finally, they decided that the baby had a badly cut lip and gums but was otherwise unharmed. I was shaking very badly. I spent the rest of the night trying to calm the children down. Dan & Judy were understandably upset, but very understanding. I shook for days and had many nightmares. I really love kids and have never had a more frightening experience. I have since seen them and they are fine. Dan even handed the kids to me to watch for a little while at a couple conventions.

The following Monday, Charlie returned from New York and we spent the week finishing the June issue of LOCUS. The first of the month is always pretty hectic at LOCUS. In addition, I had to prepare for the ABA (American Booksellers Association Conference) at the end of the month. Charlie decided we would host a party for the science fiction publishing people who arrived early and I was entirely in charge of it. I won't complain too much, because I love to organize parties.

Mother's Day weekend found me pretty sad. I love my mother and miss her more than I can bear sometimes. Even with the distance, she is still my best friend. I was also very distressed because I could not afford to buy a suitable gift. My finances were strained to capacity already. I sent several cards and hope to make it up to her.

That weekend there was a trade show for the comics field, Star Reach. Charlie and I attended it and talked to various distributors, etc. I was also able to visit with friend, Richard Pini.

Terry Floyd returned to his native Texas to be the Hotel Liaison for NASFIC. We went out to dinner and a movie before he left. The movie, appropriately enough, was PARIS, TEXAS. A good movie. I will miss Terry. He will be returning to the Bay Area in the fall. He has a wonderful girl friend here, Pam Davis. I really like her. We were even amused to discover that we might be distantly related. My mother's side of the family is Davis as well, and from the same area of the country. Photographs of our family members look remarkably similar. Pam is so much like the female members of our family that I can well believe it's true.

Things in the Bay Area were beginning to heat up. UC Berkeley was beset with controversy over South Africa and divestment. I found myself trying to stay out of it. Bob, who I have been seeing for a year now, is a student cop on campus. David, another friend, whom I met last January, was one of the protesters. An interesting way to view both sides of an issue.

I was unable to play D&D with my friends during much of this time but still play with them as often as possible.

The American Booksellers Association holds a conference each year at which various publishers show their upcoming lines to the booksellers. This is a BIG annual event. This year it was held in San Francisco. I worked very hard preparing for it. LOCUS's party was Thursday night before the ABA. Many of the publishing people arrived early so they might see some of the Bay Area while here. There were over fifty science fiction publishing professionals, including writers, editors, booksellers, and more. The party was a big success and I really enjoyed myself.

That same weekend, there was a science fiction convention in San Jose (60 miles south) called BayCon. Many people commuted back and forth between it and the conference in San Francisco. That, friends, is about an hour and a half each way. I went to BayCon on Friday night. I was able to visit with people and see a little of the convention. It looked good.

The ABA itself ran from May 25-28 (Sat.-Tue.). It was impressive. The gigantic Moscone Center was packed with booths and displays from hundreds of publishers. Although I attended the ABA as Press, I was not working for LOCUS the entire time. Instead, I took photos and wrote a report later on a freelance basis. My time was my own and I put it to good use. I began talking to people about the possibility of a position with a publishing company in New York. I began making preparations for a trip out there for job interviews.

I know this may come as a shock to some of you (and maybe not), but I felt it was necessary to move on. I have loved my job at LOCUS. It is a magazine to be proud of. I feel I have learned a great deal and am a better person for my time with it. However, there has been a great deal of conflict between myself and Charlie. His supervisory methods, to put it nicely, are "unbusiness-like." In addition, I have out-grown the job and need more challenges. I thrive on challenges. Why New York? Well if I want to be in science fiction publishing, that is the best place to succeed.

I attended the ABA Saturday through Monday. I had intended to return home in the evening. I underestimated the size and intensity of these things and finally stayed with friends at one of the hotels. It was very exciting and I felt I got a great deal out of it.

The same weekend as the ABA my family had a reunion in Florida to celebrate my grandparents' golden wedding anniversary. (I was one of the people who originally suggested it.) I regret there was no way I could go. I love them all and wish I could have gone. I telephoned during the conference and talked to them.

Sean Mathis Smith, a friend I have known since Noreascon in 1980, came to the Bay Area for BayCon and to visit friends. He stayed at my place while here and it was a pleasure to see him again. He currently lives in Los Angeles but is going to school in Santa Fe.

After the ABA, we launched into the next edition of LOCUS. In addition, we spent some time playing host and tour guide to those who stayed on after the conference. Joe Gonnella (Walden Books) and Alegra D'Adamo (Warner) came to visit and we went on a grand adventure. First, we drove to San Francisco and picked up some sandwiches at a deli on the way. Then we went over the Golden Gate Bridge to look at the city from the other side. Then we traveled up the winding road to the point at the entrance of the bay. There we had our picnic and nearly froze from the chill ocean air. We continued our journey with a drive to Muir Beach in Marin. After frolicking in the sand and surf, we drove up Mount Tamalpias. No easy drive this. It twists and turns and sometime goes straight up and at other times almost disappears and looks like you will fall hundreds of feet to the valley below. I was driving - in a Toyota station wagon no less! After more than a few hair-raising moments, we breathed a sigh of relief at reaching the top. Only we find this is not the summit, the rest must be made by foot. So we climbed. Mind you I did not know where we were going that morning so I was wearing a sun dress and sandals. At first, I was very frightened. I have always been afraid of heights. But the more I climbed, the more exhilarated I became until I was scampering about like a mountain goat. From those heights you can see the entire Bay Area at your feet in all directions. It is an awesome sight. When we came down out of the clouds, we went to a little Inn for drinks (climbing is thirsty work) and then down to the Muir Woods. They were dark, beautiful and peaceful. Did you know that when you stand in a Redwood tree it is sound-proof? Absolutely lovely! We had dinner in Chinatown in Oakland. It was a very exciting day! Joe and Alegra are engaged and a more wonderful couple of people you would be hard pressed to find. They invited me to visit them when I went to New York.

The following Friday was May 31. I asked for the day off. On May 31, 1975 (ten years ago), my dad was in a fatal motorcycle accident. I wanted to spend the day remembering a man I loved very much. I played songs that reminded me of him and tried to remember the beautiful everyday things that time can take away from you if you don't preserve them. John Douglas Atkins was a loving husband and father and we still miss him.

The beginning of June was busy, but full of all those trivial things which make life interesting but not good storytelling. I enjoy movies and go to many of them. I continued gaming -- playing D&D with my friends and adding a few CALL OF CTHULU games into my schedule.

Eric Brooks, a friend in my D&D group, graduated from high school. We were all invited to his graduation party. As a surprise, I arrived in full belly dancing regalia and danced for him. He seemed to appreciate the "gesture". As with most parties that include a group of gamers, the evening ended up with an impromptu D&D game.

I finally received my settlement in that accident case from Christmas. I received all my medical expenses plus a little for the lawyer and a little for me. I was pleased with it and used the money to catch up on some of my bills.

In the last six months, two of my favorite women in the world have moved from Norman, Oklahoma to Los Angeles, California. We have made quite a few jokes about writing "The Grapes of Wrath: Book Two". In January, Vicki Farmer moved to work as a physicist for TRW. Beverly Butt and her husband moved in June for better jobs. At the end of June I went to visit them. I left Friday afternoon and drove down Highway 5. I have never seen a flatter, more boring road in my whole life. Seven hours of tedious driving. Yech! I arrived in LA very late and got very lost. I didn't make it to Vicki's until 3AM.

The next day we went to visit Harlan Ellison. He had invited me to visit if I was in town, so the next day we went to "Ellison Wonderland". Anything you have ever heard about that place or the man himself is probably true and then some. He is brilliant and charming one minute and rude and weird the next. You never know what to expect. I happen to like him but wouldn't want to be around him too often. His home is wonderfully strange and exotic. He yelled at us when we entered even though he had invited us on the phone only hours earlier and then presented us with flowers and gave us a guided tour. Then we went to visit the Dangerous Visions Bookstore. That evening we went to dinner and then Chippendale 's. Yes, folks the originator of the male strippers. It was fantastic! Oh, they were pretty. After the show we almost went dancing but decided to watch movies on her VCR instead. The next morning we went to the coast and had breakfast at a wonderful seaside restaurant. (By the same dock they film "Riptide" for TV.) Vicki is a wonderful companion and I hope to see her again soon.

Then it was on to Beverly's. I spent the afternoon talking with Beverly and her husband. I really miss her. Beverly has always been like a big sister to me. I wish I could have spent more time with her but I had to drive back to go to work the next morning.

I arrived back and had just enough time to get ready to go to Sacramento for WesterCon, July 3-7. We drove up in the sweltering heat. I had a fantastic weekend. In addition to seeing many friends, including Ricia Mainhardt, John Varley, Jonna Goad, Pam Davis, Terry Floyd (visiting from Texas), and more – I also met Michael Ellis. We met on the 4th of July and have been seeing fireworks ever since.

Back in Oakland, we began interviewing people for another position at LOCUS. Carolyn Cushman was hired. 1 had informed Charlie that I would be taking my vacation. I told him I was looking for another job and volunteered to stay on until mid-September. He became angry when he found out I was going to New York to look for a job and told me that if I went there on my vacation, I was not to come back. The day before I left he became angry and fired me. Considering the way he had been acting, it was a relief to finally get out of there.

I took what they call a "red-eye" from Oakland to the airport in Newark, New Jersey at midnight. To some this would be a rough ride, but it is well known that I can sleep anywhere! At 8AM I got my bags and located with some confusion, a bus to Grande Central Station. My first view of Manhattan was on a sleepy Sunday morning and I am glad of it. It would surely have been overwhelming otherwise. BIG! Arriving at the station, I went to look for the train to take me to Pleasantville (30 miles north) where I would be staying with David & Pat Hartwell. (David is a freelance editor for several companies and Pat is a doctor.) I fell in-love with that "grand" old building. Grande Central Station is a gigantic sculptured marble building with a vast ceiling displaying the stars day and night. It was built around the turn of the century and having visited it, I could understand why people who had never even gone near New York, used the expression "Grande Central Station" when things get hectic. Even on Sunday morning it was full of people rushing to and from everywhere.

I called David to let him know I was on my way and boarded my train. When we came up out of the tunnels the train moved through Harlem and finally out into the "burbs." Beyond the limits of New York City, the countryside is lush and beautiful. David and his kids, Allison & Geoffrey, met me at the platform. I stayed on the couch in the basement office. I went swimming in their pool and horseback riding with Pat. She has a horse at a stable nearby and was instructing me in riding English-style.

The next day David and I set out early for Manhattan. We rode the train in and went to his office at Arbor House. From there I went to a job interview with Aaron Priest at the Aaron Priest Literary Agency on 5th Avenue. Then I had lunch with Joan Winegarden at Putnam. She had originally given me the tip that Aaron Priest was looking for somebody. I really like her. From there I had until 6PM to meet Joe Gonnella and Alegra D'Adamo for dinner.

I walked around trying to play tourist. I love old architecture and had a field day looking at the old buildings. Of course, I looked funny tripping over my feet while staring up. I bought postcards and wrote them while in a park. By the way, it was a scorching July week and rained intermittently, which did nothing to relieve the heat, only made it more humid.

That evening Joe & Alegra took me to dinner at a wonderful little Italian place and then to the Empire State Building. It was awesome, and a little scary. As I looked out on the millions of lights, I thought, "and I'm going to live in all that!" I was really nice of Joe and Alegra to take time to see me since they were getting married that Saturday and flying to Italy for their honeymoon.

The next day was busy. I first went to see Susan Allison at Berkeley Books, who sent me to see Fern Edison of same on Madison Avenue. I was asked if I could move in two weeks for a Junior Publicist job with them. I wanted to, but there was no way I could move that quickly. Then I had lunch and went to see Gardner Dozois at Davis Publications (Analog & Asimov's Magazines). It doesn't sound like it, but that was an exhausting day.

Wednesday began with David Cathers at Bantam Books. Then lunch with Ellen Datlow of Omni. We had lunch at a cafe "on Broadway." I really like her. Then it was on to DAW Books to see Betsy & Elsie Wollheim and Sheila Gilbert. They said that they will have a place for someone just like me in the future but not immediately. From there I went to NAL Books (New American Library) where they offered a starting position as Editorial Assistant. The problem was the starting salary wasn't enough to survive in California let alone New York City.

Thursday I met with Judy Lynn Del Rey at Del Rey Books (Ballantine) in the morning. That afternoon I saw Nansey Neiman, the publisher at Warner Books and then Betsy Mitchell, editor at Baen Books. That evening I met Melissa Ann Singer at the offices of TOR Books. We went out for an evening "on the town". First, dinner at a Chinese restaurant and then a Broadway show, "42nd Street." I loved it. I have always been very fond of the theatre and Melissa is a wonderful companion. I returned late and tired, but happy.

Friday was to be a slow day. I only went into town to visit my friend Peter Schnieder the Marketing Director at Doubleday Books. We had lunch and talked about my week and future plans.

Saturday, Beth Meacham (an editor at TOR Books) and Tappan King (formerly of Bantam Books and now a writer) held a barbecue at their house on Staten Island. The Hartwell's and I were invited and had a wonderful time. I met some more publishing people, some I knew and some I had met before, like writer, Lucius Shepard.

Early Sunday morning, I caught the train back to the now very familiar Grande Central Station, then the bus to Newark, and from there the plane to Oakland. I even saw my first movie on a plane, "BEVERLY HILLS COP."

Exhausted, I arrived home and slept for a couple days. When I woke it was time for some heavy thinking. I was now out of work and contemplating another cross-country move. Do I want to move to New York? Will I get a job there? Will it be the right job? How do I arrange that kind of move? How will I survive there? What will I do if I don't? How do I survive in the meantime? The answers to these and other questions will (hopefully) be answered in the next episode of "AS THE SUN RISES."

Dawn Marie Janoszek Atkins
536 Merritt Ave., Apt. A
Oakland, CA 94610