Ever noticed that individual moments often seem to last forever, but then you can’t seem to understand how the days have slipped by so quickly? Yes, I know, I haven’t written in a long time. I confess the reason to be the same as the last major gap in this journal/letter. I am/have been seriously depressed. Again, I kept waiting for things to improve or at least calm down so that I would be able to write nice things. Yet, gentle reminders from some of you who are worried about me have let me know that you needed to hear from me.
When we saw Rowan and Lon’s family at the end of March, the visit was wonderful. We were able to reconnect with some of Lon’s family in a way that was very healing. Rowan was a joy. I can’t begin to tell you how “right” I feel when I am with him. Momma Dawn is probably my happiest aspect of my life. And yet, it was only a week. When we had to return him to Tina, he begged us to take him with us. It broke my heart. Sometimes it feels literal. I just haven’t been able to pull it back together since. Troy and Lon struggle with it as well. We are happy when we are together, but we are not complete as a family without Rowan. There is always an aching vacuum in that place where he should be.
The trip there and back was horrible. We had car trouble on the way out and weather trouble on the way back. The trip cost much more than expected and wiped out finances we couldn’t afford. We arrived home with both physically and emotionally exhausted and with depleted resources. We really haven’t recovered from that. We haven’t been able to see him since and don’t know when we will get to see him again. As before, we still go on with our lives both personal and professional. But I can’t seem to concentrate, am tired all the time and lose time where I look up and wonder why I haven't done anything in hours. (Yes, I know this fits the definition of clinical depression, and I am seeing a therapist and physician.)
I have been through lots of traumatic times before and I feel I should be able to cope with what is going on now. Problem is that one of the main ways I handled things in the past was to ignore the pain in other words, dissociate myself from my feelings. Something which I have now spent years of therapy to unlearn. But now that I have gotten rid of coping methods where were unhealthy, how do I cope with long term trauma and grief? I really don’t know. I can tell you this much, feeling one’s pain really hurts. Yeah, duh! And more than that, it is exhausting. I may have been damaged, disordered, or whatever before, but I can tell you that most of the time I was a very functional person. I am finding that getting healthy and remaining functional in an unhealthy, dysfunctional society is one hell of a challenge.
And society lays it’s dysfunction on thick sometimes -- legal attacks and delays from Tina; serious medical problems with us, our families and friends; death of a childhood friend; financial shortfalls; unexpected costs; friends who failed us; friends we have failed. I don’t want to go into all the problems we have had, but to say that we have been a running at least a couple crisis’ a month would be understatement. Of course, they are rarely polite enough to give nice two week gaps. To quote the book Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, “Richard had noticed that events were cowards: They did not occur singling but ran in packs and leapt out at him all at once.”
So we keep on keeping on. We do have fun together and with friends. We have role-playing games, parties, picnics and other social stuff with friends. A group of us starting a brewing collective and are currently fermenting gallons and gallons of mead (honey wine). The plum trees in our garden produced over fifty pounds so we have also made plum jam and plum wine. I also continue to do sewing, gardening and other crafts. My niece Alura and nephew Terry spent a month with us (and we took them on several adventures). My sister Beth (who I hadn’t seen in 9 years) and her daughter, Fayra, visited. So Beth & her kid, Angela (sister) & her two kids, Tammy & Charles & their two kids and the three of us all went to the zoo for the day!
On the work end, my dissertation research continues, going very well though time-consuming and slow. (I enjoy the research especially the interviews and participant observation but worry that I am not doing enough quickly enough. Meanwhile, I was hired to speak at both the University of Cincinnati and the University of Calif. at Santa Barbara in April. I also have a talk at my Alumni Association at UC Santa Cruz. My writing is still blocked and I am failing to meet deadlines. Meanwhile, the sales of my first two books are going well. In fact, Looking Queer has been nominated for the Distinguished Book Award of the American Women in Psychology Association. I was also asked to be on the editorial board of another journal. That means I am now on the editorial boards of both the Journal of Bisexuality and the Journal of Lesbian Studies.
Troy has a summer job with the California Division of Mines and Geology doing landslide research. He will start Fall semester at the end of August. His thesis proposal was approved this last Spring. But he had to drop a couple classes to finish it. Troy has had some major medical problems but at least he is being seen by a neurologist again. Troy has a seizure disorder that is controlled by medication. Unfortunately, has also has some pretty large memory and cognitive problems as well. Now we have found out that the medication they have him on may be inhibiting not just seizures but all his higher brain functions. The new neurologist has him scheduled for a new EEG and is planning to take him off the medication, possible to another medication. The last year of Troy trying to do graduate school with impaired brain function has been extremely stressful on all of us and we are hoping for improvement soon.
Lon continues to do well socially, at work and in his school program (4.0 GPA). He struggles with stress and depression too but seems to do well most of the time. Of course, financial aid screwed up his summer aid. Not only did they wait until time to pick up the check to tell him it was going to be a month late, it wasn’t even ready the month later. Turns out that they forgot to get paperwork proving he is legally separated from Tina. That means that he had to go get legal paperwork and then it will be another month until he gets paid. Since we used my financial aid to pay May & June’s bills, that means that money we needed to pay both July & August bills won’t be here until mid or late August! We hope that Fall’s aid isn’t similarly late! We were able to borrow some money to keep us afloat but it will be tight and we are straining the generosity of those around us.
Of course, the last year of financial hardships have really taught us to conserve and use resources creatively. And California has better resources than most places. We are part of two community food coop programs that help stretch the budget. We also have our garden and the farmer’s market. We recycle and compost. We rarely go out to eat. Instead, we take turns cooking very good meals from scratch. Old apples become apple pie. Our garden is producing salads. The fruit trees give us snacks and preserves. We buy most our clothes and household items at yard sales and flea markets or make them ourselves. We still have the one vehicle between us and use public transit most of the time. Time also being a scarce resource, we share our chores equitably and help each other with lots of projects. With school and work pulling us apart so much, we spend most of our social time together, sometimes with friends and at least once a week as “quiet sweetie-family time.”
Amidst the pain and stress, is the love and comfort. I have two wonderful partners whom I love and, for whatever reason, love me. Every time some crisis threatens to tear us apart, we find a way to comfort each other and grow closer still. If we are measured by the emotions we inspire in others, then I am both the most monstrously cursed and the most beautifully blessed person I know.
Love,
Dawn