I haven't written anyone since the last installment of this. Life has either been too depressing to write about or too busy. I will try to keep up from now on. I think I will make "AS THE SUN RISES" a monthly or semi-monthly item to help me keep up with correspondence. It may seem a bit impersonal but it is the only way I will ever be able to keep you up to date on what is happening in my life.

When last we left our protagonist she was going home for Christmas. She was afraid of going home because she felt she had changed too much. She was afraid that leaving again would be harder. She was so happy to be going to see those she loved.

Having just been appointed Managing Editor at LOCUS Magazine, she was excited and optimistic about her job. She hoped she could be the best at her job and do well. She wanted to get out of debt by April and move into her own place. She wanted her cats and things from Oklahoma: She wanted to find someone to love.

She felt ready for anything -- WHAT A FOOL!

I did indeed go home for Christmas. I flew home on Friday, December 21st, via Dallas. As the plane landed I began to cry. Everything looked so familiar and so real. It was like I had dreamed I had a real life somewhere before all the craziness of California. I wept and laughed. I was so happy to be home again. It was wonderful to be seeing the rolling hills, the big blue sky and to know I would soon be with my family and friends again.

My friend, John Sanders met me at the airport. I was still crying. I wanted to impress everyone back home - to come back as they pictured me, "the girl making it big in the city." I wore gray slacks, a silk blouse, a London Fog trench coat and a very stylish matching hat. I think the little girl tears spoiled the effect some.

We went straight to my Momma's work in "The City." (That is Oklahoma City.) Again both of us started in with the tears. Then of course she had to show me off to everyone at her work again. She does this every time, even when I still lived in Oklahoma. It make me feel good to know she is so proud of me but I feel a little silly sometimes. (I can never remember even half the names.) Mom works at the Children's Hospital as an Executive Secretary for a division called the Pediatric Practice Model (PPM) Clinic.

Then before heading home, it was out for a long-awaited treat. We headed straight for Jimmy Dean's Restaurant for some good old-fashioned, "just like home" buttered biscuits and sausage gravy. God, I missed those!

Upon arriving home I was immediately set upon by Andy, Catherine and Angela. Andy is my 20 lb. long-haired, tabby cat. Catherine is my 5 lb. short-haired tabby. Angela is my 5'4", beautiful sister of fourteen. I hugged and talked to all with great enthusiasm. I spent time catching up on the life of my very intelligent, popular, athletic and now very gown-up looking baby sister. I miss her so very much. I was so used to being a part of her life that it feels very strange to be the visiting relative.

It was indeed a strange week. I am not used to being treated like a house guest in my mother's home. It was nice but left me feeling very strange.

Later that night we went to see "The Group", who as when I played with them, were having their Friday night D&D game. I was startled to find half the faces weren't known to me anymore. New members - and Trap had grown a beard. J.D., Neil, Shane, & Brent were as I remembered them. Jeanne wasn't there but called from work to get a ride. So John and I volunteered. Remember this -- volunteers are fools.

We were sitting at a stop light at the corner of Jenkins and Lindsey in Norman (God, it feels good to say familiar names!) when the world exploded. Luckily, we were wearing seat belts. As it was, I was lifted clear off the seat. Some stupid, redneck, drunk, sixteen-year-old *!#*#@! had crashed into us from behind at about 50 miles per hour. I didn't move. My head, neck and stomach hurt. John was shook up and bruised but got out. I sat there with lights flashing around me and all I could think of was someone better go get Jeanne. An ambulance guy took a look at me and told me "I'm going to put a neck brace on you, lift you out of the car, strap you to a board, put you on a gurney, put you in the ambulance and then take you to the hospital?" This was all said like a statement until the question at the end and he looked like he wanted me to say something. I couldn't think so I said "Sounds kinky to me." John says the man was still blushing when he turned to him. The rest of the evening went like that. I was so high on adrenaline that I kept cracking one liners. Trap went and got Jeanne, and J.D. joined us as well. The five of us sat in the emergency ward cutting up for several hours while I was poked, prodded, exrayed, samples taken and otherwise abused. Finally they declared that I was severely bruised and in shock. No kidding -I could have told them that without the multi-digit price tag! It was some stay - I even fixed J.D. up with a date with a nurse!

We finally returned to the game and played an exciting adventure. I think it was the adrenaline.

The next two days however included sleep, sleep and more sleep. Neither John and I were in any good shape through most of the holidays. We also had to see about a lawyer. The guy’s insurance wasn't cooperating. John's lawyer friend and my family lawyer turned out to be one and the same - I love these small towns, they can be so convenient. So we went to Bill Pipkin and sat around talking for a couple hours. I had forgotten what it was like back home. I went in there ready to talk business and expecting to get really charged for it and got reminded of my manners. He asked about the family and carefully, and slowly (ever-so-slowly) told us "about how these things work". The nice part is his fee is only a small percentage of what he gets us. Which of course, as legal cases go, is still nothing.

On to the vacation. While home I visited my old love, Ben Christopher Fenwick, who is still as adorable as ever. I resisted getting involved again. He is still an Oklahoma boy and probably will stay there, at least for now. Then I saw my friend and local grapevine, Cathy Ball. She is a really special person with whom I can always stay in touch with my world back home. She knows most of my friends and is interested in the science fiction business. (She is a writer.)

I spent some time with "big sister" and ex-coeditor, Beverly Clark/Butt. She and her husband were moving her into married student housing at the University of Oklahoma where she is a grad student. He was planning to go job-hunting in Southern California. (He has since found one and she will be moving to LA this summer.)

My dear friend Bill Bookout from Dallas came to visit me on Christmas day. We have been friends ever since I lived in Texas. He is like a "little brother" to me. I miss his support. By the way - from here on out he will be referred to as Michael Easton as he has changed his name. (Pen name, stage name, etc.)

Christmas was wonderful and would have been perfect, except I found myself crying that morning. My sister, Sandy wasn't there. Sandy, or Sam as she is called, lives with her fiancée' in Dallas. She is two years younger than me and we have always been close. At the last minute they found they couldn't make it. Try as they might - their car wouldn't run. They later came up for New Year's, but by that time I was gone. I miss her so much! As it stands now, I haven't seen her in 10 months and it looks to be longer still.

I don't know if I would have had the courage to go straight back to California where I still hadn't made very many friends if I had had to. As it was, after a wonderful week back home, I flew on to Daytona Beach, Florida to be with Tammy, Terry, my Aunt & Uncle and Alura. Tammy & Terry are technically my cousins, but I consider them my big brother and sister. Tammy's little girl is my niece and this was the first time I was to meet Alura since she was born in October. I had a wonderful time. The weather was warm, we went to movies (The Terminator & Starman), spent hours talking and New Year's Eve in Disney World. I really enjoyed playing with and caring for Alura. I love children and of course she is a beautiful & intelligent child.

I returned to Oakland on Jan. 2. The trip back was miserable. I had gotten a severe head cold which turned into a lung infection the day of the flight. I got delayed in Denver and could hardly breath. Finally, tired and sick I returned home to spend a couple weeks in bed.

When I finally recovered, the magazine was way behind, being gone for two weeks and sick for more combined with the fact that no one else did much over the holidays left us in a crunch. We worked frantically to catch up.

Sometime in January I was invited to a D&D game by Whitney, a guy I met at a Christmas party. I went and have since become a regular gamer again. I have developed a close circle of friends who have really made life better for me. They include: Daryl & Catherine, Eric, Dave, Penny & Paul, Bill, Whitney, & Kim.

Meanwhile, as my personal life improved some, (My love-life hadn't.) my living and working conditions became unbearable. Charlie seemed to really hate everything about me then, especially the fact that I now had friends. My car developed transmission problems and I developed severe financial problems. I was able to get a loan but things are still rough in that area as I had to find a place to live. I came to the inevitable conclusion that I could not wait until I could afford to move out with out quitting my job which would have lost my place to live anyway.

At one point I was so severely depressed that I may owe my life, or at least my sanity (what there is of it) to my dear friend Terry Floyd. I spent an entire night crying (drunk) on his shoulder. God bless him for his patience with me.

A bright spot in this gloom was when Tammy, her husband Charles and Alura came to visit. I was able to spend time with them as they passed through the Bay area on their way to visit his parents north of here. It was wonderful. I took them out for - you guessed it - Chinese food! They are now stationed (he is Navy) in Virginia. I miss them, but at least they are not in Italy anymore!

We went to Boskone (Boston SF convention) February 13-18. I spent my 23rd birthday on a plane with Charlie being nasty to me all day. The convention was OK but not one of the most enjoyable for me because of the kind of pressure I was under. I did get to see some old friends and make a couple new ones.

When we returned I immediately began looking for a place to live. I began on Tuesday and signed the rental agreement on Thursday. I now have a little studio apartment in a nice neighborhood in Oakland. (Daryl checked out the neighborhood for me, as I had trouble telling good from bad.)

That weekend, Daryl, Eric, Dave, Terry, & Whitney spent helping me move and fix up the place. They painted, scrubbed and worked miracles to turn a cheap room into a home. (Cheap here by the way is $50 more a month than my large place back home.) The next weekend Daryl and Catherine helped me furnish the place, along with donations from Eric & Dave's mothers.

My friend John, drove out on his spring break and brought me my cats and many of my things like dishes, linens, and decorations from back home in his truck. He then spent the weekend helping me put the place in order and finding out what real Chinese food is like.

So I now have my place pretty well decorated and fixed up. I don't spend a lot of time there but it is nice to have that freedom of choice and having the place and my cats to come home to. That feeling of independence that I thrive on is returning.

My Housewarming Party was March 23rd. About 30 people came and believe me the place was full. We had a good time and it went a long way toward making me feel like I belong.

March 14-18, I was in Seattle, Washington for Norwescon. I had a wonderful time. Probably the most enjoyable time I have had at a con in a long time. I saw many of my friends (many of whom are professionals) and made some new ones. I saw Lori White, Lou Aronica, David Brin, Richard Pini, Ed Bryant, James Skene, Rachel Holman, Rick Hawes, Beth Meacham and many others I have made friends with in the past and met several new people including the charming Janus Norton and Robert Alexander. I danced at the parties, spent time talking with friends and worked at the table. LOCUS did well and I am now taking photos with my own camera and writing reports.

Charlie's attitude improved with my moving out, but is still hard to take much of the time. I really love my work but not the environment sometimes. I hope things improve.

I really like (the other Locus slaves) my co-workers, Donna Burriston & Faren Miller. They are my closest women friends in the Bay area. They are really important to me and have always made me feel happier here.

Spring arrived in March and I love it! I have always been a warm weather person. I have been on pic nics and took Connie (a sort-of-surrogate kid sister I have out here) to the Zoo. She is fourteen and no one had ever taken her to the Zoo! We went to the San Francisco zoo and saw lions and tigers and penguins!

I spent Easter morning with Daryl. We had a small sacrament service. I do not feel comfortable in churches but am still basically Christian, so we read from the bible and had wine & bread. It was the ten year anniversary since my First Communion, a big day in my growing up. Then Daryl, Catherine (his girl friend) and I went to Eric's to have dinner with his family. It was a good day.

Despite my active schedule I began to feel like apart of me was missing. I wanted dates! I am still seeing Bob but I have never been one for going with just one, especially when I am not in-love. I don't know where to meet men in a big city so on a lark I joined a dating service called Yellowphone. It has been a real blast. I am meeting interesting men and could have a date every night of the week if I wanted. So far I have made a couple friends already.

This week, Charlie is in New York City for the Nebula Awards. We are doing paste-up and generally keeping things going. It is a pleasant break. I am spending my evenings writing this and getting caught up on other things. I won't have any time the rest of May. The ABA (American Booksellers Association) conference is the end of this month and every professional in the business will be in town. We will have our hands full.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in January my friend and penpal of nearly a decade now, Vicki Farmer got a job as a scientist for TRW in the Los Angles area. She is a physicist. She is from southern Oklahoma and we began writing to each other back in our early teens. She later moved to Norman to attend OU. Now she and I are talking about getting together to tear-up San Francisco, girl talk and write "The Grapes of Wrath: Book Two."

Terry Floyd is leaving to go back to Texas. I don't know what I would have done without him out here. I know I will miss him a great deal and always love him for the true friend he is.

I have started my sewing business up again on a small scale. I just can't make ends come even near let alone meet on my salary. I have already gotten alterations work from one cleaner and am trying to expand that.

I have also been looking into continuing my education now that I am a resident. They offer a Certificate in Publishing out of the University of California - Berkeley Extension programs. It is night courses and sounds perfect for me but it is expensive. I would also consider going back into school for a degree, but can't afford it either yet.

I am still homesick, but I think I am finally beginning to fit in out here. I thought of giving up and going home and realized that I like the possibilities a big city offers a single woman even if it gets lonely. I was often lonely in Oklahoma as well. Besides, it is hard to find fresh pumpernickel bagels and chocolate truffles in Norman, Oklahoma. Maybe I am becoming a city girl after-all. So stay tuned for "Making it Big in the City."

Dawn Marie Janoszek Atkins
536 Merrit Ave. Apt. A
Oakland, CA 94610