When last we left out brave adventurers they had just returned from the healing well of their child’s smile, leaving behind the blizzards of Iowa and arriving exhausted to their home by the beautiful bay. To what? A new year certainly. And things have been changing faster than we can take in. I am somewhat daunted at trying to describe so many changes that are still not clear to me yet.

Being with Rowan was the single most important thing I have done in the past six months. Yes, even with two books out and finishing my comprehensive exams. He made it clear to us immediately how important it was to him. And we found ourselves overcome with how healing it was for us to be with him. It wasn’t enough – but it was what we needed.

Seeing (and in some cases not seeing) old friends also had a profound impact. The friends were able to spend time with brought happy memories old and new. Their warmth and support meant more than we can even put into words. Unfortunately, we found that not all our friendships has survived the transition. We found the easiest relationships to reconnect with were those that had not been the closest in the months just before we left. I guess we had forgotten that as much as we were cut off from the emotional support of friends when we left, that they too lost the support we gave them. Without knowing it, I think we had some fuzzy idea that things would continue on the same without us. We hadn’t realized what effect the combination of both physical distance and emotional distance caused by our depression would have on our relationships. We had been too lost in our own grief that we weren’t able to see how our leaving affected our friends. We tried to loose ourselves in unpacking, in work, in anything that would help us forget the gaping wound we felt. To reach out to them as first, would have been to remind us of how much we hurt. How desperately we missed Rowan. How much we missed our friends too. Finally, after many months, I began to reach out again. It was hard, but I made myself do it. Some friends were able to handle it and we were able to begin mend what hurts were there. But apparently, for some friends at least, it was too little, too late. We mourn their loss and hope they know we never meant to hurt them.

Arriving back in California was a dramatic shift. I don’t know how much of the changes were the process of time or of us being more ready now – probably both – but our lives seems to shift into high gear. I remember that the pace of life in the bay area is much faster than Iowa, but we are still not accustomed to it. And yet, it is exhilerating! We have gone from days and months with little company last fall to social calendars so full we are a bit dizzy. New friends and reconnections with old friends have helped to make us feel welcomed. Somewhat life sleepers waking from a bad dream, it is confusing but welcome.

Lon has begun his second quarter at John F. Kennedy. He seems to thrive in the practice approach to therapy that is the school’s style, is learning a lot and doing well in the program. He is well liked by his classmates and has made many new friends. He is also quite well liked by both our old and new friends. The culture of the bay area suits him well and it seems like he would be out of place anywhere else. Unfortunately, while his social and professional life goes well, Lon is also struggling with a new pending loss. He only recently found out that his mother (who lives in Kentucky) is much more ill that he though. In fact, her heart condition is so bad now that she should be on a heart transplant list. Problem is that they won’t put her on a transplant list because she is too poor to pay for the treatment. Grief compounded by the injustice of the situation added to similar feelings about our loss of Rowan and you can understand how painful it is for him. Troy and I are often at a loss of how to comfort him. We feel powerless. We don’t even have the money to get him on plane to see his mother. In the meantime, we had been planning to spend spring break in March with Rowan. Now we hope to take Rowan with us to visit Lon’s mom. That is if we can get a court order to allow him to leave the state and the money to pay for the trip.

Troy is struggling in his second semester in Geosciences at SF State. Although he likes his program, he is not doing as well as hoped. The stress of grief, court battles and finances along with grad school have led to health problems. Some days it seems as if Troy is always tired and/or sick. This has meant he has been less social and outgoing than otherwise. He is seeing a counselor to help him work with the emotional issues. Lon and I try to take up more of the load for Troy, but we really can’t bear too much of it. Troy is looking into seeing if he could take a lighter course load. He does seem happier now than last semester, but I think missing Rowan takes a harder toll on Troy than any of us. Yet, even with the problems, he has been making new friends both at school and in our larger social circle.

I have finally begun my dissertation research. The first phase of the year long project began when we got back in Jan. I am interviewing 2-5 people a week (2-4 hrs each) until I have around 50 people involved in the study. I have a base of around a dozen from my pilot study whom I have doing follow-up interviews with. The work is engaging and exhausting. I am also working on finishing writing projects outstanding and working on designing the next phase of the study which will include volunteer work, follow-up questions and exercises. Tuesday mornings I have been auditing a class at UC Berkeley, "Anthropology and Queer Theory." On Friday nights I am taking a "Rites of Passage" class through Reclaiming. Most of my time is spent on my fieldwork. Since this involves meeting new people and talking with them for hours at a time, it is very social work. When not doing interviews I am also trying to do reading needed for the work as well. The special "Queer and Disabled" issue of the Journal of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Identity that I edited with Cathy Marston was released this month. I have also been able to do readings of Lesbian Sex Scandals at a few bookstores. It was real exciting when I got to read Looking Queer at Bookshop Santa Cruz earlier this month. The paper ran a photo and caption of me and the UCSC alumni newsletter ran a photo and update on my work as well.

As you can probably tell from the earlier piece, I am still struggling with some powerful stuff. Lately, anger has been a problem for me. Strangely, it haunts my dreams. In the fall, most of my bad dreams left me sad or frightened. Now a number of them are about anger. I know this corresponds with the stages of grief but it can be hard to take. I wake up with my heart racing and my body tense. I found that giving myself more alone time does help it some. I have noticed that when I don’t get enough quiet time to myself I start to get tense and irritable. Talk about a shift from the fall where I was afraid to be alone. When I am alone, I still have a tendency to fall into deep sadness but I find my way back sooner than before.

Meanwhile, we have been reaching out and people have been reaching back. We have been to a number of parties, board gaming at friends’ houses, role playing games at our place, movies and dinners with friends – here and there, and a day at Pantheacon (local Pagan convention). Some of the strong connections we have made lately seem nothing short of miraculous.

We do seem to be finding a place for ourselves here. I will try to keep you posted and hope to hear from you soon.

Dawn