Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope you have had a good year. My life has been very eventful. How do I explain a year of my life? A friend once told me that I am a Chinese curse in action. "May you live in interesting times," seems to be a description of my life. The following, is an attempt to sum up my last year.

At the end of 1983, we find our protagonist in a sad shape. Having gotten depressed over the holidays, I went out drinking and dancing in the sub-zero temperatures and snow. I managed to catch a severe cold including another lung infection. My life was going nowhere. I felt I had failed at everything I had ever tried. My move to Texas was a disaster, my magazine failed and 1 was lonely.

In January I couldn't take living at my mother's house any longer and moved into the spare bedroom in some friends' apartment. I had a temporary job as a receptionist, was making efforts to improve my sewing and typing businesses, and started part time classes at the University of Oklahoma again. Well, the friends turned out to be a little too weird for me and I very quickly found an apartment. (Two weeks after having moved in with them.)

In the middle of a snowstorm I managed to move everything into my new home on Tonhawa street in Norman, Oklahoma. It was a large, fairly nice one-bedroom place for $250+electric. I finally had my own place - just myself and my cats (Andy and Catherine). I busied myself in decorating my new home, impressing my teachers, expanding business and playing D&D.

My best friends mainly consisted of my gaming group: Jeanne, Neil, Trap, Mike, J. D., Shane, Brent, & John. There was also Cathy Ball, Bill Bookout, Beverly Butt (previously Clark), David Morgan, and more. I turned twenty-two on Feb. 13th. I excelled in Honors English and struggled in European History. I made friends at school and dated regularly.

I signed-on a local chain of dry-cleaners as a regular sewing customer and business was very good. I was cheated occasionally but did well overall. Then I added the Costumed Messenger Service back on - offering singing telegrams, belly-grams & hula-grams. That started to do well too.

I met and fell in-love with Ben Christopher Fenwick. Within two months we were spending all our time together. I quit dating other people. My best friend became John Sanders. He was always there for me. He was fellow gamer, car mechanic, and father confessor.

At the end of school I was working 20 hours a day - delivering "Student Care Packages" for a company (and money) and trying too keep-up with the incredible amount of typing business. I knew I needed to prepare for the seasonal slump in business to come. I studied hard in history and managed to bring home a 4.00 average for the semester. (My first perfect score.)

Finally the semester break came. I went to the mountains camping with Ben. I played lots of D&D and other games. Sewing continued to be steady and I enrolled for a summer course in Astronomy and full time classes in the fall. Things were going along very well and seemed to be everything I needed. I was happy.

Just when the soap opera element of our story disappears and our protagonist starts to live a "normal" life -- fate (or a good writer) has to throw in a new twist. In June, I read that LOCUS Magazine had a job opening. LOCUS is the trade publication for the science fiction field. They deal with all the writers, editors and publishers. Not really expecting that they would honestly consider me but not being able to pass up the chance, I called. Mr. Charles Brown, the editor/publisher remembered SHADOWS OF... and was impressed with my background. Can I come out immediately for an interview and trial week? He sent plane fare and I borrowed money from my friends. Ben said I should go for it and he doesn't want to hold me back. My Mom didn't want me to go, and was afraid I would fail. Most of my friends told me to go for it, take a chance. Four days later I was on a plane bound for Oakland. I figured even if I didn't take the job, it was a weeks work and an opportunity to at least see how they work.

In Las Vegas I missed my connecting flight and ended up spending the afternoon gambling with a millionaire. I came out a modest $50 and a watch, ahead. Tired and very late I reached the home of my prospective boss at 11pm. He sat there telling me all the things the job would include. It was a long list of a good many different things. It would take someone with a variety of interests and skills. I think he was trying to scare me off. (Once, a friend read my resume and said I sounded like a vegamatic.) It sounded like a tailor made job to me.

That week was the week for paste-up and I worked very hard and loved it. My boss took me out to dinner several times and I ate real Chinese and Japanese food, and lamb. All new to me.

I wanted the job, and my boss felt I was perfect for it. Now things get really crazy. I had to be back by the end of the month, in time to start work at WesterCon in Portland. I had less than two weeks to pack everything I own and get out there.

I returned home and began to try to pack-up my life.

My friends helped me pack, carefully listing everything and putting it in storage. I dropped my classes, told my regular customers and arranged to keep the car I had borrowed from my Mom indefinitely. Mom gave it to me. I couldn't let my landlady know as they were out of town. My friends and I cleaned the place thoroughly and I left an apologetic letter. No return deposit - I moved out on a lease.

The last evening was spent in tearful good-byes among Ben and friends with a lot of toasting of Champaign.

I set off in my orange 1972 Volkswagen Bug that was packed to capacity. I could take only its contents. The rest of my things and my cats were left with my mom. I had to cover the entire 2000 miles by myself in three days. I drove a minimum of fifteen hours a day, crying the entire way. I was terrified. I was leaving everything behind to move to a place I didn't know and was frightened.

On the way, I stopped to spend the night at my cousin Suzy Atkins' in Longmont, Colorado. (She was wonderful.) I drove across what seemed like a million miles - across plains, mountains, hills, salt-flats and desert. It was the loneliest experience of my life. I drove through the Sierras all night to reach Oakland at 8am on the last day. Emotionally and physically exhausted, I took a bath, picked up my suitcases and boarded a plane with my boss for Portland, Oregon.

WesterCon was trial by fire. Everyone was checking out "the new one." I worked the table during the day time and played hostess at parties all night. I met many people including many writers & editors (Lou Aronica - Bantam, Beth Meacham - Tor, Betsy Mitchell - Baen, Jim Frenkel - Blue Jay). I became friends with Beth, Lou, Lori White, Steve Barnes, & Ricia Mainhardt. I also ran into my old friend Sean Smith and Dell Harris.

Back in Oakland we put out the next issue of LOCUS. Finally, a week later, I unpacked. I am staying in my office until I can afford a place of my own. LOCUS is run from my boss’s home a big house in the hills of Oakland. My office/room has a couch bed and big closet for my things. Not much privacy but I don't have to commute.

My official position became Editorial Assistant. In practice, I became the office manager. Over the next couple months I redesigned much of the publication and the office. I love my job. I work sixty hours a week. After three months, I passed the trial period and received a raise.

LACon (Worldcon) in September was exciting and exhausting. More eight-hour days at the table and parties at night. More writers and editors to meet. I met more people such as Lester & Judy Lynn del Rey (Del Rey Books), Ian & Betty Ballentine (Bantam), Tom & Barbara Doherty (Tor), Dave Hartwell, and dozens of other professionals. I saw Sean again and ran into a lot of my friends from, home including Dell & Veda Harris, David Anderson, etc. I met a fan from Australia - Justin Ackroyd. My cousin Tammy returned from Italy came to Worldcon. It was so wonderful to see her, she had been there a year and a half. She was pregnant. Since we have always been as close as sisters, I was looking forward to being an Aunt.

I love my job and am considered pretty good at it. I get along very well with my co-workers Donna Burriston and Faren Miller and consider them friends. My boss has adopted me as the daughter he never had. Which means I get along with him as much as anyone does with a parent. Sometimes he is great and then again he is a real pain.

Life in California, and the Bay area particularly, is really strange. It is completely alien to my life in Oklahoma. The food is different. The climate is different. The terrain is different. The people are different. I have made a few friends locally but feel that people are much colder here. Some special people include Carol & Connie Buchanan (Connie is my stand-in little sister), Marta Randall, Jack Vance, Miriam Rodstein and some others. My Uncle Gail & his family live near, me but I have only seen them once since moving here. My best friend locally is Terry Floyd who is a friend from Texas.

I have dated some and have found only one man I really get along with but there is nothing serious between us. (He dropped me recently for a girl he is in-love with and has changed his mind again.) Most the guys I have gone out with here range from indifferent to rude. Ben never writes. Only Beverly and John keep in touch. (And my mother.) I am lonely. I miss being surrounded by family and friends.

On October 18, Alura Dee Raetz was born to Tammy. I am an aunt and have been going crazy buying children's books for my new niece and showing everyone pictures.

Thanksgiving was spent with Charlie and friends. I inviteds my friend Terry. I spent a couple hours on the phone home.

Actually phone bills home are my major expense. I keep in touch with my mother constantly and some of my friends. Mom has decided the move was good for me after all and is proud of me.

My sister, Sandy has moved to Texas and is making wedding plans. I cried. We are all growing up. I have received three wedding announcements from friends in the last two months. I realize that I too have changed so much -changed a great deal since I left home. My opinions, goals and out-look are so different than they use to be. I drink seltzer water and dry wine. I eat kasha, corned beef, lamb, Chinese food, squid, and a myriad of things I never dreamed of. I have silk blouses and a London Fog trench coat from Macy's and some 60' s type clothes that include mini-skirts and bell-bottom jeans. I no longer consider a meal over $10 expensive. Breakfast usually consists of Earl Grey tea, bagels and cream cheese. I have become a day person who is in bed by midnight and up by 8am. I fear AIDs. I even think I am beginning to really understand publishing. (Now, that is a scary thought. It is crazier than most people even imagine.) Most of all - I feel different inside. I am mixed up and yet more sure of myself. I am a career woman. I now want a steady relationship but know I don't have room for it. It is all very confusing.

I am going home for Christmas in Oklahoma and to Tammy's for New Year's in Florida. I am frightened of home and yet very homesick. I am afraid I and home will have changed too much. I am afraid that leaving again will be harder. I am so happy to be seeing the people I love. I look forward to meeting my new niece and going to DisneyWorld with my cousins Terry and Tammy.

I will begin the New Year in the position of Managing Editor of LOCUS Magazine. I hope to finally pay off my major debts by April and again move into my own place. I want to get my cats and things from Oklahoma. I want to find someone to love. I want to be the best at my job and improve things even more.

I have never been more unsure of what lies ahead nor more certain of what I am doing. I feel that I have accomplished so much this year. I have no idea what the next year holds for me, but I think I am ready for it.

My quote for the year: "It is not those things which we have done, as much as it is those we didn't do which we regret the most.''

Dawn Marie Janoszek Atkins