Dearest Family & Friends,

The nights get longer and darker and we hold out for the return of the sun. A good metaphor for our lives right now. Actually, things are a bit better than they were last time I wrote. Where do I begin?

The biggest news is that we will be seeing Rowan in a couple weeks. We filed a protest with the court because of Tina's refusal to allow Rowan visitation with us and to talk to me. We had hoped that we would be allowed to take him with us for a couple weeks at the holidays. We had planned to visit Lon's family in Kentucky and mine in Florida. The order is better than nothing, but not what we had hoped for. We are allowed to see Rowan - only it has to be in the state of Iowa and only four days a month. Having to go all the way there for such a short period will be very difficult. We are planning to arrange to see him that last four days of Dec. and first four of Jan. We will be staying in Iowa City. Rowan will get to spend time with us and his friends in Iowa City. We will try to do something similar for March/April. We won't be able to pull off Feb. Problem is that it is expensive (both time and money) and if we don't use the visitation, we can lose it. And Rowan needs to be with us - and we need him. On the up side, the judge ordered that Tina has to allow us to refer to ourselves and Rowan to call Lon and Troy "daddy" and me "momma." And that she has to allow two calls a week with no restrictions. So I get to talk to him now. Of course, since he is only two and half, he doesn't really talk on the phone. But at least he hears our voice for a few minutes.

Depression and nightmares are still a problem for all of us. We found a supportive counselor who is helping us cope. She reminds us that it is not unreasonable to be unhappy and angry with such an awful situation. Grief and anger take their toll. At least since we started seeing her we have been able to talk about it more and to make progress in dealing with it. Sometimes we are afraid to talk to each other because we want to protect each other from our feelings. Our love for each other is still strong and we are happy with the rest of our lives together. We will find a way through it all.

Meanwhile, we continue with the rest of our lives. We had family over for Thanksgiving - my cousin Tammy, her husband Charles, and kids Alura & Terry; my sister Angela, her husband Jamie, and kids Yvonne and Olivia; and Troy's sister Gail. It was a wonderful day. I made a full dinner with everything from scratch down to the pumpkin pies. We played talked and played games. It was fun watching the kids play, though we really missed Rowan. We have also attended social gatherings, had dinner with friends, etc.

I officially passed my comprehensive exams - barely. But that means I am clear to begin my dissertation research. I am preparing materials and making contacts and will start interviews etc. in Jan. The first week in Dec. I flew to Philadelphia where I made presentations at West Chester University, the University of Pennsylvania. Then I attended and presented at the American Anthropology Association conference. Then I flew up to Ithaca, New York where I gave an all day workshop on body image for youth educators. The week was stressful - especially with the court proceedings happening at the same time. The body image talks went well and helped finance the trip. At the anthro meetings, I was able to make some new contacts, touch base with colleagues and somewhat recharge my intellectual batteries. I was also able to spend some time with a dear friend. So even though I didn't feel up to the task, it was a good trip.

I did miss my sweetheart's birthdays while I was gone. Troy is now 33, Lon is 29. They had a small party. It might have been larger, but there was storm complete with hail and a small tornado which may have kept people home. I am told the gathering was fun though.

This week is less festive. I had a large grant proposal due by Dec. 15, and even though I came back from my trip with a cold, have worked "feverishly" to get it in overnight mail just in time. Lon and Troy are both dealing with final exams and papers this week. They took care of me while I labored over comps and grants, now I take care of them.

Next week will be the Winter Solstice, Yuletide. We hope to attend several public celebrations and then host our usual Solstice night celebration. Then, Christmas eve, we leave for Iowa. We will be back a week or so into Jan. We can't wait to hold Rowan in our arms. Sometimes I am struck by longing so great that nothing seems real expect my love for this small, wonderful person. I don't know that 1999 has in store for us, but at least we will be together when it starts.

Love,
Dawn