When Troy and I moved to Iowa, we had no friends there. In California we had many friends (and a few unfriendlies as well). We were really worried that we wouldn’t find like minded people to be with in Iowa. But we also knew that we only intended to stay for a few years. (We had said to friends in California that it would probably be 2-6 years. It turned out to be 4.) We had heard that Iowa City was more liberal than most places in the midwest but didn’t know what to expect. I grew up in suburban Oklahoma and came to think of it as hell on Earth. Troy was born and raised in Northern California. We were both a little afraid of Iowa. Neither of us had even been to the state before the decision to move there for school was made. We knew it would be different than Santa Cruz. But then again, what isn’t?

We spent the first couple weeks unpacking and then turned our attention to finding friends. We actually went looking. We found were the SCA, science fiction club, gaming groups, and Pagan group met. We attended meetings hoping to find a place to belong. It was the Pagan group, River City Pagan Community were we finally felt the most comfortable. And it was there we met Lon and Tina. It was this organization and people associated with people in it, who became our friends, our community. I have never loved so strongly, worked so hard or learned so much from any group as from our friends in Iowa.

One of the things I brought with me was some basic conflict resolution training. I had only just begun to learn how to use these skills when I left California. In Iowa, they became crucial. One of the benefits of a small community is how closely people relate. With only one Pagan group in town, you learn to get along even with your differences and conflicts, or you don’t get to participate in the group. I was amazed at the way people worked together and resolved conflicts that in a bigger community would have split the group into factions. It wasn’t easy, but it was rewarding. There were some conflicts that were never resolved and some people even left the group. But overall the process of community negotiation amazed and taught me a great deal.

Unfortunately, when you leave a small community like that, both the opportunity and the pressure to resolve conflicts with those now distant people I changed. I had not realized that this could result in a kind of emotional backlash on both sides.

For my part, we left Iowa under the worst circumstances. The custody battle, assault by Tina and then the outright discrimination by the judge was devastating. Moving away from people we had become so close to would have been difficult even without this. Add to that comprehensive exams for me and finals for Troy and it was a real mess. I remember most of those last few months as constant stress. It was so bad I had trouble eating and sleeping. Our friends in Iowa were wonderfully supportive in every way possible in those last few months. I don’t think I could have survived it without them.

When we arrived in California (after an eight day trial of broken U-Hauls), we had nothing left to us. I don’t know how to explain the devastation. We had just left most of the people we were very close to behind. We had spent every dime we had on the court battle and the move. We were physically, emotionally and mentally drained. We threw ourselves into unpacking and setting up our house. We barely talked to even each other. We couldn’t talk about things because we were all in so much pain that we didn’t want to burden each other. We were all suffering from serious depression and exhaustion. We had no energy left to reach out to new people or keep in touch with old friends. We were barely functional. Troy managed to throw himself into school to avoid feeling, leaving Lon and I feeling deserted by him as well.

Meanwhile, back in Iowa, friends who had supported us were also feeling the effects. Some of these friends had spent much of their time with us and suddenly we were gone. Our great need and the stress of those last few months had also taken their toll on them as well. And we weren’t there to pay it back. We all but disappeared. Looking back now I think that they resented us leaving. Although intellectually most probably understood why we moved to California, emotionally they felt abandoned. And we weren’t there to talk to about things. There were no longer any common activities to bring us back together. Instead there was a vacuum.

In early November, an upsetting experience with some of our friends bought home to us how lost we really were. Each of us had been trying to be strong for the others but all three of us were suffering. We found a family counselor and began to try to find our way back. Things only seemed to get worse for a while. Tina was blocking contact with Rowan, we were broke and felt isolated. When we finally got the right to visit Rowan in Iowa, we thought folks would be happy to see us. We were certainly looking forward to seeing them. We had no idea the resentment that had built up while we were gone. A poorly worded email from us also made things worse. When we got to Iowa, we were unprepared to handle the conflict.

The three of us, still depressed but eager to see Rowan. We were staying in a studio apartment for a week in a snow storm in Iowa. We had little money and were shocked to find ourselves no longer part of the community we loved so dearly. The only people who didn’t seem angry at us were the people who we weren’t in close contact with just before we moved. The people who were the most supportive during the months before the move were the ones who were angry. When friends asked to have a meeting with us to discuss the problems, we refused. We said we would be willing to talk individually with people but we didn’t have the emotional energy to handle a meeting. Only one friend took us up on the offer, the others took that as a rejection of them and dropped us from their lives.

For my part, I loved my friends there but I never liked Iowa itself. I found the weather miserable, the landscape boring, the cultural resources limited, and the food uninteresting. I was physically ill a great deal of the time I lived there including asthma so severe in the winter that I had to have a handicapped parking sticker to minimize my contact with the freezing air. I was discriminated against in school, by some people in the Iowa City community and by the court system. I had moved there to go to school and never intended to stay. Now the one thing I really valued there besides the school also seemed to be lost to me, Rowan and most of my friends there. We returned to California, happy with the visit with Rowan but bitter about our experiences in Iowa.

New and old friends in California began to pull us out of our isolation. We were invited to parties and other social events. We began to reach out. In the last year, we have become part of a community again. It is different from the Iowa group. Certainly not as close a group, more a network of friends. But we are happy with the friends we have made and old friends rediscovered.

A few months ago, we found out that one of the people who met us at a couple of parties last winter has moved to the midwest and is claiming we are lying about our lives in Iowa. She claims that we said that everyone is conservative and that we didn’t have a community there. She also claims we didn’t loose custody of Rowan because of being polyamorus, bi and Pagan. (Of course, we have pages and pages of documentation on this, but she never asked for it.) Strangely enough, I only met this woman briefly and never spent much time talking to her. She certainly never had any substantial conversation with us about our lives. It really distressed me that people believed her. I am bitter about Iowa, but I love the friends we had there. I am hurt by the distance that grew in the last year and the misunderstandings that grew from misfortune. It is hard to think about my life there without feeling the pain of all we lost, most particularly Rowan but also the close friendships. Yet, I also talk long and lovingly about the close community of friends we had there and how much I miss them.

My feelings about Iowa are pretty conflicted now as we prepare to return for the custody trial. I am looking forward to seeing Rowan and hoping to see at least some of our friends there. I am not looking forward to the cold of winter in Iowa or the hostility of Iowa courts. I wish I could clear up the misunderstandings we had with people there. Yet, my focus is on Rowan. We will spend as much time with him as possible and do the best job we can to help a judge see how much he needs us.

My heart is definitely grown colder in my feelings toward Iowa, but the love I feel for those I left behind there is warm enough to melt even Iowa snows.

Love,
Dawn