Dear friends and family,

Well, I did it. I finished the second version of the second half of my comprehensive exam. Now, I wait to find out whether or not I pass -–or flunk out of graduate school. I hope I did a good job this time. I actually began to like the ideas I was working with and want to explore some of them in later writing. I just don’t know if it works for the exam. I did so poorly trying to write during the whole crisis last spring. The problem is that I don’t really feel any better now than I did then. In some ways, I feel much worse.

I know it has been a long time since I wrote you to tell you how things are going. I wish I could say it was because I was too busy. To be honest, I was waiting until I could write with good news. I decided that finishing my comp. would have to do. It does feel good to finish the comp. Unfortunately, grief, anger and fear are my constant companions. This isn’t to say that I don’t have times when I feel good. I have two loving partners, a nice home, and I am back in California. Yet, the house is too quiet.

I miss Rowan with all my heart and soul. Tina has refused him visitation with us. She allows only brief phone contact with Lon and Troy. She even censors what they can and cannot say to him. She has denied him all contact with me. I worry desperately about him. She is so vindictive she doesn’t care how any of this hurts him. She seems more unstable than ever. The court battle drags on very slowly. After six months we finally got a court order for Tina to participate in the home study. That is a study by an independent family psychologist who exams both families to decide what would be in the best interests of the child. It includes an intensive examination of family history, beliefs and psychological evaluation. We already went through the process back in April/May. Tina refused. The opinion of this person is supposed to weigh heavily with the court. We are also trying to get a judge to order Tina to allow Rowan visitation with us. Which means we have to write more affidavits and file more forms. And we wait for the trial date for permanent custody.

Meanwhile, I have nightmares almost every night. I still don’t sleep well, though my eating has improved some. Some days I seem okay. If I am around other people, I seem to be able to forget for a while. Other times, when I am alone, it overwhelms me. Troy and Lon struggle with similar problems. We finally found a family therapist who is supportive of our values and is helping us to get through this difficult time. Our love for each other is stronger than ever. We find joy and comfort with each other.

So how have things gone? Well the move out here was hell. Never, ever rent U-Haul. The U-Haul truck constantly overheated. Then U-Haul in Salt Lake City insisted we were over-loaded and insisted we rent a second truck. Then we had two over-heating trucks that kept breaking down. The trip took six days instead of three and we spent most of that sitting in the desert waiting for the trucks to cool or to be repaired. We arrived exhausted and broke.

It took us a while to get things unloaded and unpacked. We really like our new house. We have a good size living room with dining area and fireplace, a small but nice kitchen, two bedrooms, a library with fireplace, an office, a craft nook and a magic/meditation room. There is a big backyard with garden areas including rose bushes, a lemon tree, an apple tree, a fig tree and two plum trees. We have a double-level deck and a covered porch area. The neighborhood is very nice and in a good location just north of Berkeley on the border of El Cerrito and Richmond. We had to put in a lot of work on the yard as it was overgrown, but it is beautiful now. We can see Mt. Tamalpias in Marin and the Golden Gate Bridge from our kitchen window.

We have had some adventures since we got here. We have gone to the Renaissance Faire, visited friends in Santa Cruz, watched the moon rise over the bay, and went walking along the cliffs in San Francisco. We have settled into a nice pattern. We buy most of our food at the farmer’s market and natural grocery store. We are enjoying the variety of fruits, vegetables and seafood. We don’t have the money to eat out much but we take turns cooking for each other and experimenting with recipes. The diversity of the Bay Area is wonderful in many ways.

We have spent some times with old friends and have even made a couple new ones. It is a little difficult. After four years, we are different and so are many of the people we knew. And our depression makes it hard to open up to new people. But we are reaching out. We have attended a few Wiccan events through Reclaiming and hope to attend more. We celebrated both Mabon and Samhain at Reclaiming rituals. And attended both CUUPS and South Bay Circles celebrations last weekend. This month we will begin hosting WEBS (Witches East Bay Social), sponsored by Reclaiming’s Community Building Cell. It is essentially the same type of community potluck discussion we hosted in Iowa City. It will be nice to meet new people and make friends.

Meanwhile, my second book came out in September – Lesbian Sex Scandals. And Looking Queer is doing well. We had a number of readings both here and on the East Coast. I went to the Lavender Languages and Linguistics Conference in Washington, DC in September, spoke at Radford University in Virginia, and gave readings at bookstores from DC to New York to Boston. I was also invited to speak at my alma matter, University of California at Santa Cruz. In December, I will be attending the American Anthropology Association meetings where I will present a paper on my transgender research, speak at West Chester University in Philadelphia, and following that, at Planned Parenthood in Ithaca, New York. In the meantime, I still have rewrite and resubmit my research grant, finish the introduction to the gay men’s collection and prepare for these talks. I am hoping that I can pull myself together enough to do the work I need to do.

Troy is doing very well in his Master’s program in Geosciences at San Francisco State University. It is a long commute and with the long hours of graduate school, we don’t see enough of him. He has made friends and good impressions in his department. Lon is also doing well in his Master’s program in Transpersonal Psychology at John F. Kennedy University. It is less demanding scholarly but more so emotionally than an academic program. And he loves both the Bay Area and the program. He has taken to Northern California as if always meant to be here.

Again, I am sorry for not writing for so long. I was avoiding my own feelings, not you. Please write and tell me how you are doing. I enjoy hearing from you.

Love,
Dawn

P.S. I am also going to send some photos. For those whose email can handle attachments, you should be able to double-click and see them.